Have you ever felt so absorbed in something that all of a sudden you look up and cry out–Jesus “Where are you”? Well that’s where I was five months ago. Five months ago I found myself so taken over by a relationship I completely forgot who I was. I began to think only of the future. I craved marriage. I wanted to be engaged. I needed a life with this boy to begin immediately. I spent the majority of the relationship making little compromises in who I was. I temporarily misplaced my love for people and friendship, all so I could play the role of girlfriend. I lost sight of just how important I think it is to be there–to be present for people, but I told myself I needed to be present for him. I spent more time obsessing over what he thought of me, that I forgot…IT DOES NOT MATTER.
The Word says,
“But God will break you down forever; he will snatch and tear you from your tent; he will uproot you from the land of the living.”
-Psalm 52:5
July came and my heart shattered as I heard the words of a breakup recited to me on the front porch of my new home, I couldn’t see what God was doing in me. For a month I couldn’t understand that He wasn’t taking away this boy I loved because He hates me, He was taking this boy away because He loves me too much to let me settle. I can say now months of healing have revealed, I was settling. I’m not saying he isn’t a wonderful boy, but he was most certainly not the man God had intended for me. It hurt and still hurts to seek out rest in knowing that we were just not God’s plan for one another. How could my heart have been so deceitful? My heart was preparing itself for a life of questioning my worth, hiding my true self and losing who I am in an attempt to make a boy stay. God saw this in my heart and gave me so many opportunities to choose better for myself, but I didn’t want to. It’s hard to hear truth when you know it’s going to hurt. I had fallen into sin and when they say sin is comfortable, boy do they mean it. I began to forsake my relationship with Christ because an “I love you” from a boy suddenly meant more to me than the ultimate love of Christ. I began to notice myself qualifying sin and questioning what the Bible really means when it speaks against immoral behavior. I began to think that I wasn’t worth a relentless pursuit. My heart had fed into all of these lies. It was incredibly painful. I watched myself slowly forget what Christ says about who I am:
“For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.”-Psalm 139:13-14
Christ has since shown me that I was made in the image of beauty and life. I was created to personify beauty. Not in the physical fashion, but in the soul. God created me with a predisposition to love fiercely. He gave me bones that ache for adventure and a spontaneous spirit that has catapulted me into some of the most incredible friendships. Christ took my relationship, because He was calling me into a love that satisfies and a love that endures forever. He looked into my heart and saw that I was giving it away without consulting the King I gave it to first. I’m learning now that you can’t give your heart away more than once. When you give your heart to Christ, it’s all or nothing. He doesn’t just want what is easy or comfortable to give, He wants the whole mess whether it beats with all it’s pieces in tact or whether the next beat could be the one to break it all apart. He wants all of it. He calls not just for our wholeness, but our brokenness. He sees the agony and the quiet anticipation that the next beat may be the one that breaks it in two, but He hears us in the pain. He stays there with us steadfast and unrelenting, listening. In my brokenness I’ve felt His love cover me like never before. I’ve been able to rest in the knowing that Christ is jealous for me. He longs for my entire heart.
So, I hope this finds whom it needs to find, because this is my call from the valley–a call to say that I’m standing in the bottom of this valley, but I’m starting the challenging ascent to the top of the mountain.
NOT MADE WITH HANDS 