One would think that working with the elderly and being surrounded by death on the daily I wouldn’t be so afraid of things, but nevertheless I’m a chicken-shit (pardon my French). I think if I made a list of all the things I’m afraid of and printed it out I would have enough paper to keep a fire burning for weeks. I’m afraid of the fears that make sense: sharks, spiders, snakes and all the other creepy crawly things of the world. Then there are the less rational fears: shower drains–don’t ask, crocodiles even though I live in Georgia, and clowns. Lastly there are the big hitters, the fears that keep me up at night: not being enough, being ordinary, and not living up to my potential. Some nights I can hardly sleep thinking about all the times people have walked out of my life signaling that I wasn’t good enough to stay for. At night all the shadowy ghosts of my past run back into my mind and whisper to all my insecurities. Most nights I can’t drown them out until after midnight, but some nights it’s an all night battle. I try to pray but sometimes even my own prayers can’t drown out the voice of self-doubt.
Fear seems to bridge the gap between the ordinary and the extraordinary. People who are seen as fearless are people who we view as extraordinary. Jesus wasn’t afraid of anything—not even death. He conquered death, which I’ve always pictured as a hogtie for some unknown reason. He wrestled death and showed that even death wasn’t something we should fear. So why then am I so afraid of everything? Some people say it’s a lack of faith and trust in Christ. To those people I would say—please step into a pit of crocodiles and tell me you aren’t frightened. I don’t think Jesus meant that we would never feel fear when he said:
“Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” -Isaiah 41:10
I think he was trying to tell us not to let fear overcome us. He was telling us to recognize fear and stop it in its tracks. To take back the power we’ve given fear and realize how much more power we have with Christ.
I wish this were a post that claims to have to the cure for self-doubt and fear, but I’m not Jesus. I can’t conquer my fears without Him, much less help anyone else conquer their fears. I haven’t told anyone—until now obviously—I’m starting a new challenge with myself. I want to conquer my fears daily. I want to be unwavering in this. I don’t want anything to deter me from stepping up to my fears. I want to be the person who sings loud and obnoxiously, because they don’t care what people think. I want to dance off beat in the middle of the dance floor, because life is too short to be on the outskirts of fun. I secretly want to ride a bull, but a real one–at least that way if I die it’ll be one heck of a story. I want to skydive, even though I get nauseous just looking down from heights. I want to talk to the cute boys first, because why wait. I want all of these things, but mostly I want to train myself to be fearless. I don’t want anxiety to overrun my mind anymore. So I will conquer my fears—Lord willing and the creek don’t rise as my grandma would say.
NOT MADE WITH HANDS 